accepting your growing self.
I know, I know. I haven't been keeping my word about posting consistent blogs. I apologize for my absence, but I do feel like you will definitely be proud of me.
A variety of lessons have been forced into my space to learn within this last month, or two, & I am truly grateful for the different levels of transformations that are occurring in my life. As refreshing as it may be, however, it is also overwhelming, in an odd, beautiful way. Let me explain!
When I made the decision to accept my every day experience as an opportunity to grow, somewhere in my mind, it did not register to me that the work will never end. Meaning, when I learn & accept something about myself today, I have to be open & ready to learn & accept something new about myself next week, or next month, or whenever! I say all of that to say, every time I think that I am quite aware of the person I am & I have learned as much as I need to know, there something else that life reveals to me. Overwhelming!!
But here we are, & I feel even better than the last time I wrote. Being able to see or read my progress is important to me, which is part of the reason why I write. My intention of becoming a better version of myself is being able to reflect on where I was versus where I am now & being proud of my growth. Major flex!
One hard lesson I had to learn was breaking an ugly habit that I held on to throughout the years. The ugly habit -- jumping from one person to the next, one relationship to the next, one situationship to the next, one fling to the next, however else you want to put it. That was me! It was something that I had become aware of a few years back. In my mind, I thought it had been addressed, but in reality, I just found a different way of doing the same behavior.
For instance, I was "single" for almost two whole years before I got into another relationship. Sounds good, right? Wrong. The bigger picture is even though I was "single", I was still hopping from one person to another. I was still mixing and mingling on the dating apps. I was still hooking up with people simply because I had the freedom to do so.
The idea of me being single for two whole years was the only part I focused on. In my mind, to some extent, I was able to break the habit of hopping from one relationship to another. Even though that may have been the case, I was still feeding into the habit of co-dependency, expect there was just no official titles being added.
So let me catch you up on what recently happened. Long story short: One relationship ended May 2020, even though we were broken up, we were still very much present in each other's lives (talking every day, seeing each other, traveling together, etc.) all the way through the beginning of November 2020. I met someone else who caught myself in attention mid-October, became overly absorbed in this person and was in a whole relationship by mid-December. GIRL, WHAT!! Mind you, I told myself that I would absolutely not get into another relationship in 2020, period. Yet, there I was!!
Glad we're all caught up!
In the beginning of February 2021, it became very clear to me that it is was time to learn a hard lesson & rid myself of this suffocating habit. I decided to free myself of the fear of being alone and depending on the idea of being with someone. I made the decision to spend time actually wanting to be with myself.
I took the time to actually learn how to give myself the love that I wanted so badly from someone else. I yearned for my needs to be satisfied at the mercy of another person when I was never truly satisfying my own needs. I was never truly giving myself the purest form of love that I knew I deserved because I was too busy searching for it in the wrong places.
When I decided to choose me, there was a feeling of freedom that absorbed me & I loved everything about it. I set myself free of fear to be alone & see myself in a way that was anything less than acceptable. I set myself free of co-dependency. I set myself free of wanting to be needed by others. I set myself free of any, if not all, negative thoughts, feelings, & emotions that I was holding in about myself.
Seeing yourself for who you really are is something that can be both ugly & beautiful at the same time. We all have some ugly ways, but it is our job to aware of those ways & work to improve them. We are all healing. We are all growing. We are all becoming better versions of ourselves. I'm proud of myself, & I'm also proud of you!
Thank you for reading! I appreciate your support. Leave a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts/feelings.